Chris’ rant # 130

Something is bothering me but I don’t know what it is, so in the true fashion of a rant I am going to right this non stop in the hope that it will come to me, or somehow I will find the answer to fix the thing that is so deeply bothering me that I am unable to reach into myself and find it, so to all of you that read this it might not make sense but also for those of you who know me, you know that I sometimes don’t, make sense that is, AwwWww!! I want to scream but for why, for who, me? I’m not sure. I feel free but trapped, alone but with people to turn to, but if I knew what was bothering me I would know what to talk to these people about, but if you have been keeping up you would know that the knowledge of what is wrong with me is one think that I don’t have. I have walked 10 steps forward in my life and at least 9 back I have walked one step forward, that’s 10 minus 9, but I don’t know what that is, or what I have gained from my one step. I am better off but I don’t know how. I am stronger but cant tell for my self how. I’m trapped in something, something so big that that I cant see the walls, so big that I used to not know that I was trapped at all, so big that no matter where I go I will not find the exit, and if I don’t know where I am then no one will be able to help until I help myself. Hopeless? I hope not. But that is the problem in hope it gives us something imaginary to look forward to. I might be right to hope because it gives us something to help us go on but lets be honest most of the time our dreams are bigger then life, could it be that the prison I am in is my hope, my hope that is bigger then real life and clouds the door to the prison that I reside in, should I decrease my hope and see the world as it is, or keep up hope and… hope that I can find this mystery thing to free me from, my self. Well now I read what I have written corrected the spelling and thought and the only thing that comes is a smile, I wonder if I try to think too deeply sometimes but then again maybe a deep hole will let me dig out of this invisible crap.